Grieving

How do you grieve someone you have had little to no contact with in almost 4 years. How do you grieve for someone that has emotionally and physically pushed you away? How do you miss someone at Christmas that you haven't spent a Christmas with in 5 years? That is a question my brother and I have been trying to answer. We are sad but not a whole because not a lot has changed. We feel like there should be more to this grief but for the most part there is not. We wonder if we are grieving the right way when our lives take over and we aren't thinking about it all the time. I don't know the answer. I do know that as we sat around playing cards or opening presents it was easy to find the good memories about Daddy. To think of him before his disease took over his body. I can say for certain that this year when I thought of him it wasn't with sadness or I wonder but with happiness and thankfulness of many good times. So saying that Christmas was great. We had a beautiful white Christmas celebrating with family for the weekend. It was great.

Windows to the soul

The eyes. For my daddy they could say it all. He had the most amazing eyes I have ever seen. As I am cleaning up and putting things away today I was going through some pictures of Daddy and in each picture it was his eyes that drew my attention. I am not even sure what color they are because it would change on a regular basis. Those eyes could shine brilliant green when filled with happiness or turn gray when angry. It was those eyes that told me this summer how very sick my daddy was. It was those eyes with a look could make you fall in the floor with laughter. It was those eyes, those eyes were the window to his soul. Those eyes could show all his emotions. Those eyes spoke volumes even when he never said a word. If you know me then you know I have those eyes. For that I am thankful.

New favorite song

Rambling

Without a death certificate you can kind of push things aside and not think about them,but with it the reality of what you have to do comes crashing in. I received my dad's death certificate. Now the process of taking care of his estate starts. Cause of death, cirrhosis. In the end, even though he wasn't drinking, the drinking killed him. Ten years ago if you had asked me if my dad would have made it this long I would have said no way. So, many times over the years I was prepared for him to not come out of the hospital or he seemed so sick that there was no way he could live much longer or he was abusing his body so bad that it was only a matter of time. I thought I would have more warning. I think that is what is making this so hard. I thought I would get a chance to say good-bye. I told my mom when I saw him the last time that he didn't look healthy and I would be surprised if he made it another year. I said his body just doesn't seem to be able to take much more. Just thought we had more than 2 weeks. I miss him, I am mad at him, no one else better say a bad word about him,(but I can). I am all over the place but life is going on without him. Just like it did when he isolated himself over 3 years ago. It's sad but not a whole lot has changed. This will be the first Christmas without him but not really. This will be the year of a lot of firsts without him but not really because we have all ready had those. How do you grieve for someone you had all ready lost. I am not sure. I am trying to hang on to memories from a long time ago. It helped to have so many people, who knew him before the addiction took over, remind me what he used to be like. How funny he was, what a cut up and how giving and helpful he was. I am trying to remember that man. Not the one who had his life destroyed by alcohol. Not the man who destroyed other lives because of his addiction. Not the shell of a man he became because he couldn't resist the "sauce" (as he called it). Having a hard time today not being mad at that man. But I still loved when he was that man.

Relief and guilt

Today I feel relieved. Relieved that I am no longer having to wonder when he is going to start drinking again or get mad or if he is taking his meds or gambling his money away or buying groceries or be back in the hospital or die. I'm relieved that there are no more what ifs or what happens when. I am relieved that it's over. I am relieved that I no longer have to deal with a father who is an alcoholic and all the ramifications that go with that. I am relieved and for that I feel guilty.

Wasted time

Yesterday was spent doing. I needed a day to run around, not to think so much, not to be consumed by sadness. Did it work? No! I spent most of the drive in the car crying as I listened to my favorite CD really loud. (My little monkeys were not with me). I was shocked as I looked at the car next to me and the man(for a moment) reminded of my dad. As the morning went on though the routine took over. Go to the bank. Run to target. Get milk. And for awhile I wasn't quite as sad but after the Christmas program and picking Sophie up, routine took over and I reached for my cell to call my dad. Reality hit full force, but I called anyway just to listen to the machine. It's not him, just an automated recording but it is So him. I miss him. I hate that so much time was wasted in so many ways. So today, it is 10:00, I am still in my pj's. My husband is snow(iced) in. There is a huge fire downstairs and I have three beautiful people who would love to have a day with Mommy. A day of laughter and games. A day of tickles and books read. A day where the laundry can wait. The bed doesn't have to be made. A day where the lesson plans can be put away. A day the list just doesn't seem to matter so much. A day of time not wasted. A day of memories made and family cherished. Because in the end we are not known for what we have or the product of our life but the things unseen will matter the most.

Trying to find normal

It just doesn't seem right to get up and to go back to life. Checking off my list of things to do. Buying Christmas presents, wrapping, baking cookies. I don't want to do these things but you have to. Not saying I shouldn't take time to grieve, but life is in the middle of that and I don't want it to be. I want everything to stop until I am ready to move on. But it doesn't. People ask me at the grocery store how you are doing and I want to say "rotten" but I don't . I want to smack the lady in the car line for being so cheerful and ask her why she isn't sad too, but she doesn't even know. How do I find normal again? Without Monday morning chats or Wednesday night talks about who got voted off Survivor. How do I live life without him? Asking him about cooking chicken stew for a crowd or where I can find sweet potatoes in bulk. How? Well, today I took a shower and got dressed. That's about as far as I could get for a few hours. Then, I made the kids a dentist appointment. My list has grown eyes and is staring at me but I just can't seem to go any further. So, I find myself here again trying to figure it out. What does normal look like now? I have no idea.

My daddy was a goofball. He was always acting up, cutting jokes(more likely than not they were highly inappropriate) and playing practical jokes. As I got older I used to pick on him and tell my friends, not to mind Daddy he wasn't house-trained yet but we were working on it.


Each winter the snow makes me think of this little black dog we had one year. Daddy had beagles and he hunted rabbits, so, he never wanted to have other dogs influencing his rabbit dogs. But one winter my sister's friend, Dawn, brought me a black puppy. It was the sweetest little dog. Daddy immeditately named the dog what I thought was DeeDee. I asked him later why, he said D.D. was for Damn Dawn. Needless to say I was thinking the same thing a few weeks later when the dog got parvo and died in my arms.

Remembering

After the last friend had left, the chairs put up, the food split up and the doors locked. As I got in the car I looked back at my daddy's house. I could see him on the side porch, with a cigarette in his mouth, leaning on the railing, waving good-bye. Warning us to be careful and for Troy to take care of his baby. Always the same words. Then an I love you and he would blow me a kiss.

Taking Advice

Yesterday as we had a celebration of my dad's life at his house there were times when I was wanting to scream STOP, everybody freeze, let me get my paper and if you will share one at a time and give me time to write every word that would be great. I wanted to write what I was hearing, write what I was remembering, write what I was feeling. When we got in the car to leave Troy said I think you should get back on your blog and write. Last night I sent an email to a friend, who got me started blogging, to fix my blog up(which looks great Pam) because I knew as soon as she felt better she was going to throw the journal word at me. Then I got an email this morning from another special friend encouraging me to write, write, write. So, here I am. I am going to write it all down. It will be personal and maybe ugly at times but I pray for healing. I am doing this selfishly for me. So why blog where anyone can see it because it seems to come out better this way than when I hand write something. This is my Journey of Grief...

Processing

He's gone. He is really gone. My daddy. The one who could make my day better with just a look. The one who always knew when I needed to hear encouragement. The one who could make me madder than anyone else. The one who hurt me more than anyone else. The who loved me like no one else....

Lots of changes

The last few months have been a roller coaster. My emotions have been up and down.
change 1:
My dad(who I haven't seen or spoken to in over 3 years) is in stage 4 cirrhosis and has progressive alcohol dementia. He is no longer able to care for himself and we have been trying to find placement for him. It is hard because his disposition is not exactly the best(to put it mildly). There have been lots of phone calls, emails and trips to the hospital trying to take care of him. I don't mind. It has been great to just touch him and hear his voice.

Change 2:

In the midst of this my mom is moving in. I know most people cringe but I am looking forward to it. I am praying it will be a time for my mom and I to restore some old hurts and build a better relationship. I am looking forward to a live in babysitter(just kidding mom, well a little). You always think about possibly taking care of your parents but I didn't think it would be both at the same time. We have been moving rooms, rearranging things and painting getting ready for the move.

Change 3:

The air on my Astro died and we had to buy a new(to us) van. Not exactly what we were wanting to do but I love my Honda Odyssey.

Change 4:

Probably the most difficult. After 12 years at the same church we have joined another. It was a leading by God and logistics.(we live a long way from our old church) It was time to be a part of the community we live in. I like our new church but it is so different. I miss my old friends and I do not like being the new girl.

Do I think any of these things are coincidence? NO, God is faithful and teaching me a lot. I am having to lean on Him like never before in my life. When I think I cannot take one more minute He gently reminds me that He is my help and my source of strength. I am not particularly enjoying this season of growth but I am loving this deeper relationship with the Lord.

Don't know when I'll be back but for those who are still tuning in this is where I am. I covet your prayers.
Tara

Pam, you win.

Okay, so how can I not respond to being hijacked. Pam is a dear dear friend and I just had to laugh yesterday when I received her email that at the end had a "oh fyi I hijacked your blog." So, I moseyed on over here and I love what she wrote. It was very encouraging and I do love that Kari Jobe song. I am in a very difficult situation. I don't know if I am ready or able to put down my thoughts into words. But for those of you who are praying I will tell you this much. My dad has been placed in a nursing home. He has hepatic encepalpathy, which is basically alcohol induced dementia. He has no hope of returning home. I am his power of attorney. My sibling and I aren't seeing eye to eye on how to handle things. Of all the scenarios I had prepared myself for with his alcoholism this is one that never crossed my mind. I am physically, emotionally and mentally spent but spiritually I am full. I am leaning on my all in all and He is being faithful and filling me up. I can see how He has been preparing me for this and I am trusting Him to "work all things for good...according to his good pleasing and perfect will." Please continue praying for me as I get things settled. I am not promising that I am "back" but we will see. Today I am just resting. Spending time in my pj's watching cartoons with my kids. Resting that God is in control and I am grateful. Thanks Pam. I needed a (not so gentle) push. Love you.

YOU HAVE BEEN HIJACKED!!!!!!!

My name is Pam. I am one of many of Tara's friends. Also lovingly known as "Ta-Ta" by my 3 year old. Tara has been "away" from her blog for some time as you can see from her last post a while back.
I chose to "Hijack" her blog today to tell her how much I care about her and how much I pray for her. How much she means to me. How precious she is not only to me but to all of those around her.
We joke frequently about the fact that she can "call me out" on something that no one else is brave enough to and I can do like wise with her. We can go for a run and I can challenge and push her and then be "lovingly" called "Jillian".
She is dealing with a lot of change and a lot of things that someone in their 30's don't really think about having to deal with. She has been such a strong woman of faith. She is encouragement and compassion and love and grace and understanding. She is such an awesome friend.
She doesn't know that I am doing this and she may kill me when she finds it. If you have stopped by today and found my post, I would ask that you would pray for her. Leave a comment in the comment section. She would love to hear from you. I am not at liberty to share details and pray that she would be able to use this blog to share her heart, her frustration, her joys and her excitement on here. I'm including at the bottom of this post one of I believe her favorite songs by Kari Jobe. We have posted it a couple of times on our Women's Ministry Blog and we have talked about it on numerous occassions. Tara, it is my prayer for you!!!!! Rest, Renew and Regain your strength in Him. He is what we need!!!!!! I love you dear sister!!!!!!!
2 favorite scriptures to challenge and encourage you with.
Psalm 121 and 1 Sam 12:23.

Love you,
Pam

I had trouble getting up and getting started this morning. The kids were content to snuggle up close in the bed and I really did not want to face the day. A list of endless chores, errands and math test were taunting me with the fact that I would never get to it all. I am defeated before my feet hit the floor, that nasty lying voice in my ear convincing me how worthless I am because there are 5 loads of laundry to be folded and 3 to be washed, a floor to be vaccumed and I am not sure what was in that container in the back of the fridge. But then I a quieter, calmer voice says I love you my daughter and a clean house(or not so clean house) will change that. Remember I am your helper and shield. You can do this, I am with you. So, I make the choice to get up and by the time I am downstairs there is a smile on my face and three excited children ready for the day begging for my pancakes. By the time breakfast is over the cloud has lifted
I am thankful for...

31. clothes to wear
32. food to eat
33. woods to get poison ivy in
34. friends who see if you are following through on exercising
35. snuggles
36. family
37. a husband who values my input
38. a boss who wants the best for you
39. friends who pray for you
40. creeks and splashing
41. mudpies
42. salvation
43. the faith of a child
44. fun and laughter of a team
45. crockpots
46. God does not require perfection
47. a sermon that convicts
48. God working and changing my heart
49. catching my child stealing
50. women in Target bathroom who encourage me to stay firm

Not My kids Monday

Ethan did not ask for me to put a tatoo of a frog on the middle of his forehead and proceed to wear it all week.

Caden has a new fervor for the lastest hairstyles and

Mama cat

This phrase has new meaning to me because we just had a litter of kittens. I saw that Mama cat get all protective and the claws come out when she thought her babies were in danger. Well, I became the Mama cat yesterday. Ethan had to get his first cavity filled. Let's say that it did not go very well. There were a series of events that had me out of my chair, claws drawn ready to protect my baby(I know he is not a baby anymore, but you get the point). I don't think I have ever had this experience before. Most people would describe me as laid back and easy going with the kids, but I have to say I was anything but laid back yesterday. I was ready to pounce on that dentist. I did let him know I was extremely unhappy and needless to say we left with no plans of returning. Two things came from this situation. 1) Was my reaction was pleasing to God. I don't want my reaction to a situation deny Christ presence in me. Not sure if I did that or not. Still working through it. What I do know is that His mercies are new each morning and whether or not I acted the right way or not God is perfectly able to forgive me, love me, challenge me and show me how to perservere through trials in ways that prove His Spirit resides in me. I had a lot of people praying for yesterday's visit. Do I now think the prayers weren't answered? No, they weren't answered in the way I had hoped but He works all things for good for those that love Him according to His perfect will and I can see His provision and his leading in this situation. The second thing I saw was a new appreciation for the sacrifice God made by sending his one and only son to die for us on the cross. God watched his son in great pain and he allowed it because of His love for us. Wow!

1. Who would you want to play you in a movie of your life? Ashley Judd or Reese Witherspoon they are just so southern and I would love to be that cute and petite.

2. Did you ever go to summer camp? Yes, I went to church camp every summer from 2nd grade until about 7th grade and then I went to basketball camp every summer with the team.

3. What sends you running and screaming in the other direction? Whining, Whining , oh did I mention whining.

4. What is something you do that drives your spouse nuts? I am notorious for not putting things back where they go

5. What is currently your favorite song? Anything by Kari Jobe or Shannon Wexelberg and I love Tim Mcgraw's new song Southern boys

Wordless Wednesday

Okay, yes I know it is not Wednesday but I wanted to post these yesterday and didn't get around to it. So, unusual 90+ degree temperatures in NC had us seeking a fun place to cool off. I had a lot of people at the park looking at us a little crazy but this is what people from the country do. I guess it's true you can take the girl out of the country but you can't take the country out of the girl.

16. great worship at church
17. His blood that covers me
18. Resurrection
19. new beginnings
20. Easter egg hunts
21. snuggle sessions with my kids
22. joy that kittens bring to my kids
23. a job my husband loves
24. friends that challenge you to new levels
25. laughter
26. a blonde girl's funny faces
27. a new(to me) couch
28. ability to share God's love with others
29. seeing God work in other's lives
30. His word that speaks to me

Do you ever have those weeks where it would be a lot easier to complain and whine than to find the blessings God is giving you? I had a week like that, I would like to say that I chose at all times to see God's blessings but I didn't. Finally, I heard a whisper through my complaining and I started seeing Him all around me. This week I saw God's blessings in..

7. the bright stars that He placed in the sky
8. friends who stand in the gap.
9. hard work and the ability to do it
10. a husband who calls just to say good night when we are apart
11. little boys who have a Daddy they want to mimic
12. a song He wanted me to sing
13. a brother reading stories to his siblings
14. a week at home with no plans except to celebrate Easter
15. family even if we can be somewhat "dysfunctional" at times

Thank you God

I am trying something a little different here on Mondays. I want to make me life all about worship and thankfulness. So, I am going to be looking for 1000 gifts from the Lord big and small. I want to glorify Him in all things. I am praying that He will open the eyes of my heart and I will see how good He is. I will begin posting them on Mondays from the week before.

1. for fingernail polish spilled on the floor
2. for egg shells in the scrambled eggs
3. for laughter
4. for dancing
5. for dirty clothes under the bed
6. for warmth, sunshine and a back yard

1. Have you ever had a celeb sighting? Yes, I saw Tammy Faye Baker eating at Snappy Lunch in Mt. Airy, NC


2. What temperature do you keep your house? 68 in the winter and 76 in the summer


3. Do you notice dust at other peoples homes? yes, on the ceiling fans


4. What's the worst job you ever had? babysitting these two kids for the summer. They wanted their mom to stay at home so they made up stories like I was saying I would not feed them unless they did the dishes and they tried to break this collectible thing their dad had to blame it on me. It was a long month and then I quit.


5. What is your most sentimental possession? A framed poem and dried rose that my hubby sent to me while we were dating and a tootsie roll in a glass tube that my dad gave me after we had a huge argument when I was 13 and going through a chubby stage. It said dieters emergency kit, break when you need a fix. We both laughed and it helped heal the hurtful things we said to each other.

1. What's your guilty pleasure? Books, I love to read and I love a new book that hasn't been opened.
2. What is your favorite TV series? NCISLA I love suspense, mystery and of course Chris O'Donnel
3. Can you speak any foreign languages?Yes, but I usually don't broadcast it. I have had little practice and I get nervous. No, I am not telling which one.
4. How many pairs of shoes to you own? I think 8 2 tennis shoes, 2 flipflops, boots and Sunday Shoes.
5. What's your favorite kind of M&M's...peanut, almond, straight up regular, etc.?Peanut, is there another kind?

Countdown has begun

We started the countdown today till the end of school. 50 days left. It is snowing again here and the kids are tired of being inside. I thought we needed something to look forward to. I think maybe I did too.

Beloved

Zephaniah 3:17 The Lord your God is with you , He is mighty to save, He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.


A few years ago I was sitting in Suzanne's house starting a new Bible study. I can't remember which one(I didn't get to finish it because of scheduling conflicts with Troy's job and the kids.) What I do remember is we were asked to read several Bible verses and pick the one that meant the most to me. I read this verse and honestly was ready to head home right then. I had never read that verse that I could remember. I remember being absolutely floored that the Lord of the universe took great delight in me. That he rejoices over me with singing. Wow. I have been on a long journey of seeing who I am in Him. I have found a new identity. An identity that is not founded in my accomplishments or achievements but one that has nothing whatsoever to do with me and everything to do with who God is. I had fallen into a miserable trap of finding my value in what I did. I have done it my whole life. I was always striving to be the best at sports and academics and I was good. I succeeded and had medals, scholarships and certificates to prove it. I was good at my job and well liked. When I got married we had a great relationship. I cooked and cleaned and supported my husband and loved it. Then our kids started coming and I prided myself of being able to "have it all together". I was the master of schedules, organization and meal planning. But with each one I became more frustrated with myself. I was overwhelmed and felt like I was swimming upstream. By the time Sophie was a year old I felt like a complete loser. My house was a wreck, my kids watched way too much TV, I still had "baby" weight to lose and I was a basic mess. I convinced my self that I was a failure. I had no worth or value to anyone. It was a very hard place. Then I read those words "the Lord delights in me and He sings over me." Those words brought a small bit of light to a dark place in my heart. I wasn't fixed overnight but God has been using those words to change my view of myself. It has taken almost 2 1/2 years to actually believe them. But I do. My house is very often still a mess, my kids still misbehave, I still have some baby weight to lose, I am often overwhelmed but the darkness has lifted. Because no matter what I am a child of the King. I am His beloved. He takes great delight in me and rejoices over me with singing.

Not me Monday

It's that time again. I really only have a few since we have spent most of the last week with the stomach flu.

I did not let Ethan come downstairs and watch olympics with me until after midnight after everyone else was asleep. He really was having a bad dream and needed some extra snuggle time.(or that's what I told myself)

I did not throw the school books out the window and threw the bikes in the van on the one warm day last week and took the boys on a bike ride.

I did not not believe Sophie on Friday morning when she said she was going to throw up because she had been well for over 24 hours and think she was playing the sympathy card to get to watch Curious George.

I did not find out a few minutes later, while I was using the bathroom, that she indeed was telling the truth as she said "Get up mommy quick I am going to throw..."

I did not jump up with my pants around my ankles to tend to her and have to boys walk in a say "Momma we see your big hiney".

Well, Hope you are having a good Monday

Five question Friday

Five Question Friday!!!!

1. Do you sing karaoke? Yes, Yes, Yes. I love it and used to have a karaoke machine. We have lots of 80's music
2. What is your favorite coffee drink? I don't like coffee but I love chai tea
3. If you could choose your own name, what would it be? I actually love my name and always have.
4. Were you ever bullied? No, my friends said I was way to Julia Sugarbaker"from designing women" for that.
5. How often do you eat fast food? Probably once or twice a week. Too much in my opinion.

Little thoughts

I have had a whirlwind of activity the last few weeks. I have been busy and waiting for things to slow down. I have been falling into bed exhausted and sleeping through my alarm. There have been some good things. While my husband was a way for work friends, family and I redid our bedroom for Valentine's day. We finally have a "love nest". He loves it.
The boys and I were able to take a long bike ride and enjoy some warmer weather. Great quality time. The family took a hike on Saturday.

But there have been some hard times. We have been dealing with a situaion that was really hard. We have been on this roller coaster ride. We would see the end and then it really wasn't over. We have had close friends praying and hoping for this situation to be over. But here we are a week later and we are still there. God didn't answer our prayers the way we had hoped but He is still God and He is still good. I have felt His peace and comfort. I have seen Him take a situation that could have caused division in my marriage and I have seen Him make us like-minded. I have seen His protection. He has put people of wisdom in our path to confirm things. The situation has not changed but i have. I am not worried or consumed by it. I am believing that God will answer our prayers, it may be next week, next month or next year but I am trusting. Because He is God, He is still on His throne and that is a very comforting thought.

1. Have you ever hit an animal with your vehicle? Yes, I hit a big dog one night after leaving my boyfriend's house(yes it is now my husband). I was so upset that I turned around and went back to his house for some sympathy.
2. When you see a string on your clothes do you pull it off or cut if off? pull, I don't have time for things like scissors(incidently, I pick nails too.)
3. Did you have your own room or share a room when you were young?both, my brother and I are 15 months apart we shared a room until I was about 8
4. Would you rather wear the same thing for the rest of your life or eat the same thing for the rest of your life? Wear, Love any lounge clothes
5. What was your favorite TV show as a child? Anything on TGIF, star search and fame.

So, it's your turn. Jump on to Five Question Friday. I just love it!!!!!!

bedtime with Sophie

Goes something like this.
Sophie: Mommy, "I don't want to sleep in my room. I am scared."

Me: "It's okay Sophie I am going to get my jammies on and come snuggle you and rub your back. Go get in bed."

Sophie goes to her room. 30 seconds later

Sophie: "I don't want to sleep with you I want to sleep with the boys."
Translation: I want to go play and talk with the boys.

Me: "Remember tomorrow is Sunday, we have church, we can't do a sleepover in the boys floor tonight. I will be right there. Get in the bed."

Sophie goes to her room. 1 minute later.

Sophie: " Mommy, I want to sleep in the boys room. If you say no I will be very angry. If you say yes I will not be very angry."

Me as I try not to laugh: "Sophie it is okay to be angry but my answer is no.

Sophie goes to the boys room.

Sophie: "Mommy, I asked Ethan if I can sleep in his floor and he said it was okay. So, I will get my pillow. Okay."

Me: " Sophie, no means no. Get in the bed and do not get out."

As we speak she is dramatically crying.

She is persistent.

Five question Friday

I know it's not Friday but I like this so I am going to do it a day late.

1. What is the one thing your love does for you that you can't live without?Prays for me and is the spiritual leader of our home


2. When did you know your love was "the one"? The day after our first date he called me and we talked for hours. He really shared his heart with me and I fell in love.

3. Does your love have a special ringtone on your cell? no, not many people call my cell anyway.


4. What are you attracted to most in your special someone? Heart and height


5. Did you know when/where he/she was going to pop the big question? no, total surprise.

Wordless Wednesday

They're here

We were going along this afternoon when Ethan decided to go check on our very pregnant cat and came running in and said, "Mama there's a baby in the box." We proceeded to go outside and watch our cat have 3 kittens. We then realized that one kitten was struggling and not moving. I repeatedly tried to get the Mama to love on her but she would turn her back. So, we called a friend of ours who is a vet and she said to keep it warm and wait. I told Ethan that the kitten was probably not going to make it. Oh, how he cried. He has such a big heart. He said, "Mama can I hold while it dies." I stood there as my 6 year old son stood there talking to the cat and to God saying, "It's okay kitty, I'll keep you warm. God please help this kitty. Please don't let it die." For over and hour he held that cat and prayed. Then, I told Ethan we needed to let it be with it's Mama. It had not moved and had been barely breathing. We put it in the box and watched as the cat proceeded to have 2 more babies. Then the little white one started moving and wiggling and trying to nurse. I stood there in amazement as the Mama started licking it and Ethan said look Mama look. And then he summed the whole experience up when he shouted, "Praise the Lord!"







Our glimpse of God

Well, another Monday so let's get started.

I did not text my husband "dirty"messages at work because I knew he would call me and I missed him and wanted to hear his voice. (I have just entered the 21st century and got texting on my phone LOVE IT!) I would never resort to such trickery.

I did not let our kids sled on a hill that was so steep that I had to stand at the bottom and catch them to keep them from hitting a ditch.

I did not rent a few(4) chick flicks because my husband is working out to town this week.

I was not the only mama at the home school party running and sliding on these cool mats like I was 6. It was so much fun.

I did not (have not ) gone on a crazy decorating spree in my house. No telling what it will look like next week.

Have a great Monday.

Five question Friday

My friend over at Motheringthemother has been doing this for a few weeks. I think it is really cool. I have not figured out how to grab the button or join the blog hop but Pam if you see this fix it for me please.
1. What are you most afraid of?My husband dying and being left to raise my 3 kids by myself.
2. Do you use a flat iron or curling iron? Neither. I have a "surprise-me do". I wake up, brush, flip it upside down and wala(not sure how to spell that word). Some days it is wavy and wild and others a little straighter and flip out. I don't really care it is hair and I will probably have a new "do" in about 6 months. But I currently love my latest style.
3. Hands-free or phone to the ear? Phone to the ear.
4. Do you have a matching bedroom set? No, I try to make things blend but we definitely have bedroom on a budget.
5. Do you believe in the paranormal? No. It drives me insane all the media that is out there to support this.

Well, this was fun. Now off to have chicken tortilla soup and watch a movie with the kiddos. It is snowy and icy today. I love winter.

Kung Fu Panda

Have you seen the movie Kung Fu Panda? Well, my kids love it. Especially the boys. It is actually a very cute movie that has a never give up message. Anyway, on the DVD there is a special on how to make homemade chinese noodles. The kids have been asking me to make some and although I have decent culinary skills Chinese noodles from scratch are not in my cookbook. What they were really wanting to do was eat with chop sticks. So, we were out a few days ago and it took longer than what I anticipated. We ended up eating out with Troy for lunch. Two orders of noodles and 5 pair of chopsticks later and this is what you end up with.

I love snow.

I love snow. I love to get lots of snow that keeps you in for a few days. I also love that it doesn't take long to warm back up to 40 degrees and we can spend hours outside sledding, playing and building snowmen. My 3 loved it.

I did not fix a dessert every day while we were snowed in at home.

I did not use old linoleum to sled on after our sled broke.

I did not spend 3 days in my pj's, just sliding extra pants on over them to go sled.

I did not take Striper, my cat, to get neutered and when I picked him up that afternoon they had sent him home with the wrong family.

I did not let my children get out the paint and create masterpieces till their hearts were content totally unsupervised.

I did not decide that my upstairs hallway was a gag gross color and buy paint before the snow came just so my hubby would be snowed in and need to help me paint.(Why do you think we had so many desserts)

Last, I did not decide that I did not want to wait for help and I painted the hallway alone while hubby was napping.

Hope you have a Happy Monday.

Where have you been?

I have a few people who have asked, "Why haven't you been blogging?". Well, here is the answer for those who read my blog. I basically break my time into 3 parts. Fall semester, winter semester and summer break. This past Fall I was excited and ready to go and before I knew it I had over committed. I was teaching 2 different groups, doing a in-depth study of Romans, home schooling, working part-time, picking up some of my hubby's duties because of his work schedule and took on a leadership role at my church. In the midst of that I started blogging. About mid-November I started running out of steam. I was tired, unprepared, my house was chaos and I felt pressured. I knew people were checking my blog and reading it and I didn't want to let people down, so, I would stay up late to work on it. Needless to say God finally put on the brakes. He very clearly showed my that my priorities had gotten out of whack. My kids were miserable and I was miserable. Over the holidays and through the new year God has been doing a work in me. He has been revealing things to me about myself that have swept under a rug for years. There has been anger, sadness, tears, submission and finally freedom. I feel my priorities are getting back in order. I have dropped everything outside of my home except one leadership position(and I have become very good at delegating). I am more patient and consistent, my kids are happier and more obedient and my hubby is normally smiling when he walks in and smells a good meal and has a clear path to the kitchen.
I am not sure that it is time to share all the details of what God has been doing but I am thankful that His mercies are new each morning. I am thankful that He is still doing a work in me. I have been praying for a Kingdom perspective, I have been praying that my faith would become the air I breathe and the very lifeblood of who I am. So, blogging is something I do if I have time. I would like to blog twice a week but feel no pressure. I would appreciate your continued prayers as I press on toward the goal.
Love
Tara

5:00

I think most Moms will agree that the supper hour(5:00 for me) is a tad bit hectic. Today I discovered a full proof way to make this a less stressful time.
So, I was in the kitchen fixing catfish, slaw and potatoes. I had two trying to sneak snacks, one saying if she didn't eat her leg would fall off. I am calmly proceeding with supper but then the whining and fighting starts. My patience was beginning to run then and it is actually early for supper. I (in a not so sweet voice) told my children to get out of the kitchen. They left and then started running in circles chasing and scaring each other. The screams were deafening. This is when I discovered how to make meal time stress-free. I opened the oven to get the potatoes out and the smoke alarm went off. I couldn't get it to stop. When the piercing noise stopped all was quiet. The kids had fled the noise to the boys quiet room upstairs. I finished preparations, set the table all in peace and quiet. So, next time you need a little peace during that hectic time of day just burn supper. It tasted just fine with ketchup.

Good to be back.
Tara

I did not fall down my stairs and have bruises down my back.
I did not get up in 13.5 degree weather to start a running program on a Saturday morning.
I did not cheer so loudly when everytime Ethan scored a basket that I looked like a loon.(NC word for crazy person)

Growing Up

Well, today we hit another milestone. Ethan played in his first basketball game. He had a great time and he played well. I seem to get all choked up lately at the smallest thing. He is growing up so fast and sometimes I just want to hold on my chest and rock him and sing to him. He is reading chapter books, he is tying his shoes, he is playing on a basketball team. Each day he makes more steps towards independence and although I know those are all things that need to happen, I am a little sad. Today we sat on the sidelines and cheered for his team. We took pictures and videotaped. We clapped extra loud when he scored a basket. The smile on his face was absolutely priceless. Don't you agree?

I did not throw caution to the wind and eat whatever I wanted over Christmas and gain 6 pounds in December. Nope I would never to that.

My boys did not ride their remote control motorcycles down the steps and knock a chunk of drywall out of the wall.

We did not have a New Year's Eve party that lasted until 2:00pm on January 1st.

I did not leave the fireplace unattended and have a log roll out and burn a hole in the carpet. No way, I always use extreme caution.

Happy Monday