Rambling

Without a death certificate you can kind of push things aside and not think about them,but with it the reality of what you have to do comes crashing in. I received my dad's death certificate. Now the process of taking care of his estate starts. Cause of death, cirrhosis. In the end, even though he wasn't drinking, the drinking killed him. Ten years ago if you had asked me if my dad would have made it this long I would have said no way. So, many times over the years I was prepared for him to not come out of the hospital or he seemed so sick that there was no way he could live much longer or he was abusing his body so bad that it was only a matter of time. I thought I would have more warning. I think that is what is making this so hard. I thought I would get a chance to say good-bye. I told my mom when I saw him the last time that he didn't look healthy and I would be surprised if he made it another year. I said his body just doesn't seem to be able to take much more. Just thought we had more than 2 weeks. I miss him, I am mad at him, no one else better say a bad word about him,(but I can). I am all over the place but life is going on without him. Just like it did when he isolated himself over 3 years ago. It's sad but not a whole lot has changed. This will be the first Christmas without him but not really. This will be the year of a lot of firsts without him but not really because we have all ready had those. How do you grieve for someone you had all ready lost. I am not sure. I am trying to hang on to memories from a long time ago. It helped to have so many people, who knew him before the addiction took over, remind me what he used to be like. How funny he was, what a cut up and how giving and helpful he was. I am trying to remember that man. Not the one who had his life destroyed by alcohol. Not the man who destroyed other lives because of his addiction. Not the shell of a man he became because he couldn't resist the "sauce" (as he called it). Having a hard time today not being mad at that man. But I still loved when he was that man.