Grieving

How do you grieve someone you have had little to no contact with in almost 4 years. How do you grieve for someone that has emotionally and physically pushed you away? How do you miss someone at Christmas that you haven't spent a Christmas with in 5 years? That is a question my brother and I have been trying to answer. We are sad but not a whole because not a lot has changed. We feel like there should be more to this grief but for the most part there is not. We wonder if we are grieving the right way when our lives take over and we aren't thinking about it all the time. I don't know the answer. I do know that as we sat around playing cards or opening presents it was easy to find the good memories about Daddy. To think of him before his disease took over his body. I can say for certain that this year when I thought of him it wasn't with sadness or I wonder but with happiness and thankfulness of many good times. So saying that Christmas was great. We had a beautiful white Christmas celebrating with family for the weekend. It was great.

Windows to the soul

The eyes. For my daddy they could say it all. He had the most amazing eyes I have ever seen. As I am cleaning up and putting things away today I was going through some pictures of Daddy and in each picture it was his eyes that drew my attention. I am not even sure what color they are because it would change on a regular basis. Those eyes could shine brilliant green when filled with happiness or turn gray when angry. It was those eyes that told me this summer how very sick my daddy was. It was those eyes with a look could make you fall in the floor with laughter. It was those eyes, those eyes were the window to his soul. Those eyes could show all his emotions. Those eyes spoke volumes even when he never said a word. If you know me then you know I have those eyes. For that I am thankful.

New favorite song

Rambling

Without a death certificate you can kind of push things aside and not think about them,but with it the reality of what you have to do comes crashing in. I received my dad's death certificate. Now the process of taking care of his estate starts. Cause of death, cirrhosis. In the end, even though he wasn't drinking, the drinking killed him. Ten years ago if you had asked me if my dad would have made it this long I would have said no way. So, many times over the years I was prepared for him to not come out of the hospital or he seemed so sick that there was no way he could live much longer or he was abusing his body so bad that it was only a matter of time. I thought I would have more warning. I think that is what is making this so hard. I thought I would get a chance to say good-bye. I told my mom when I saw him the last time that he didn't look healthy and I would be surprised if he made it another year. I said his body just doesn't seem to be able to take much more. Just thought we had more than 2 weeks. I miss him, I am mad at him, no one else better say a bad word about him,(but I can). I am all over the place but life is going on without him. Just like it did when he isolated himself over 3 years ago. It's sad but not a whole lot has changed. This will be the first Christmas without him but not really. This will be the year of a lot of firsts without him but not really because we have all ready had those. How do you grieve for someone you had all ready lost. I am not sure. I am trying to hang on to memories from a long time ago. It helped to have so many people, who knew him before the addiction took over, remind me what he used to be like. How funny he was, what a cut up and how giving and helpful he was. I am trying to remember that man. Not the one who had his life destroyed by alcohol. Not the man who destroyed other lives because of his addiction. Not the shell of a man he became because he couldn't resist the "sauce" (as he called it). Having a hard time today not being mad at that man. But I still loved when he was that man.

Relief and guilt

Today I feel relieved. Relieved that I am no longer having to wonder when he is going to start drinking again or get mad or if he is taking his meds or gambling his money away or buying groceries or be back in the hospital or die. I'm relieved that there are no more what ifs or what happens when. I am relieved that it's over. I am relieved that I no longer have to deal with a father who is an alcoholic and all the ramifications that go with that. I am relieved and for that I feel guilty.

Wasted time

Yesterday was spent doing. I needed a day to run around, not to think so much, not to be consumed by sadness. Did it work? No! I spent most of the drive in the car crying as I listened to my favorite CD really loud. (My little monkeys were not with me). I was shocked as I looked at the car next to me and the man(for a moment) reminded of my dad. As the morning went on though the routine took over. Go to the bank. Run to target. Get milk. And for awhile I wasn't quite as sad but after the Christmas program and picking Sophie up, routine took over and I reached for my cell to call my dad. Reality hit full force, but I called anyway just to listen to the machine. It's not him, just an automated recording but it is So him. I miss him. I hate that so much time was wasted in so many ways. So today, it is 10:00, I am still in my pj's. My husband is snow(iced) in. There is a huge fire downstairs and I have three beautiful people who would love to have a day with Mommy. A day of laughter and games. A day of tickles and books read. A day where the laundry can wait. The bed doesn't have to be made. A day where the lesson plans can be put away. A day the list just doesn't seem to matter so much. A day of time not wasted. A day of memories made and family cherished. Because in the end we are not known for what we have or the product of our life but the things unseen will matter the most.

Trying to find normal

It just doesn't seem right to get up and to go back to life. Checking off my list of things to do. Buying Christmas presents, wrapping, baking cookies. I don't want to do these things but you have to. Not saying I shouldn't take time to grieve, but life is in the middle of that and I don't want it to be. I want everything to stop until I am ready to move on. But it doesn't. People ask me at the grocery store how you are doing and I want to say "rotten" but I don't . I want to smack the lady in the car line for being so cheerful and ask her why she isn't sad too, but she doesn't even know. How do I find normal again? Without Monday morning chats or Wednesday night talks about who got voted off Survivor. How do I live life without him? Asking him about cooking chicken stew for a crowd or where I can find sweet potatoes in bulk. How? Well, today I took a shower and got dressed. That's about as far as I could get for a few hours. Then, I made the kids a dentist appointment. My list has grown eyes and is staring at me but I just can't seem to go any further. So, I find myself here again trying to figure it out. What does normal look like now? I have no idea.

My daddy was a goofball. He was always acting up, cutting jokes(more likely than not they were highly inappropriate) and playing practical jokes. As I got older I used to pick on him and tell my friends, not to mind Daddy he wasn't house-trained yet but we were working on it.


Each winter the snow makes me think of this little black dog we had one year. Daddy had beagles and he hunted rabbits, so, he never wanted to have other dogs influencing his rabbit dogs. But one winter my sister's friend, Dawn, brought me a black puppy. It was the sweetest little dog. Daddy immeditately named the dog what I thought was DeeDee. I asked him later why, he said D.D. was for Damn Dawn. Needless to say I was thinking the same thing a few weeks later when the dog got parvo and died in my arms.

Remembering

After the last friend had left, the chairs put up, the food split up and the doors locked. As I got in the car I looked back at my daddy's house. I could see him on the side porch, with a cigarette in his mouth, leaning on the railing, waving good-bye. Warning us to be careful and for Troy to take care of his baby. Always the same words. Then an I love you and he would blow me a kiss.

Taking Advice

Yesterday as we had a celebration of my dad's life at his house there were times when I was wanting to scream STOP, everybody freeze, let me get my paper and if you will share one at a time and give me time to write every word that would be great. I wanted to write what I was hearing, write what I was remembering, write what I was feeling. When we got in the car to leave Troy said I think you should get back on your blog and write. Last night I sent an email to a friend, who got me started blogging, to fix my blog up(which looks great Pam) because I knew as soon as she felt better she was going to throw the journal word at me. Then I got an email this morning from another special friend encouraging me to write, write, write. So, here I am. I am going to write it all down. It will be personal and maybe ugly at times but I pray for healing. I am doing this selfishly for me. So why blog where anyone can see it because it seems to come out better this way than when I hand write something. This is my Journey of Grief...

Processing

He's gone. He is really gone. My daddy. The one who could make my day better with just a look. The one who always knew when I needed to hear encouragement. The one who could make me madder than anyone else. The one who hurt me more than anyone else. The who loved me like no one else....