Control Freak

I admit I am a control freak. I like to play things safe. I like my calendar planned out. I like to know what the future holds. I don't like surprises, especially ones that alter my plan. I am constantly reading on how to be a better wife, mother, homeschooler and housekeeper mainly to be in control of those situations. What I had not realized was by being in control, keeping things nice and tidy in my world that I was completely leaving God out of life. By having my hands in things I was not trusting and living out my faith. While I was growing and flourishing in other areas of my walk with the Lord I had turned a blind eye to this one area and it was quickly growing like a weed and choking the "fruit" that was growing. Needless to say God gets our attention one way or the other. I am positive I have heard the small voice saying I got this. Trust in me but I was too busy planning to listen. So today I am laying it all at his feet. I am letting go with both hands instead of prying one finger off at a time. I am thinking of only today. I am trusting Him who holds tomorrow and I am enjoying the blessing of today.

The last time

As we stroll down the driveway to get the mail, as we chat about baseball he takes my hand. And I wonder if this will be the last time. I savor the feel of his not so little hand in mine. He wants so much to be big and grown up. The are so many things that are happening with him for the last time and I don't even realize it. You can't plan for these things, they just happen. I see his mind and body changing and sometimes I see small glimpses of the man he will be and it makes me give his hand a little squeeze. He looks up at me and gives me that smile. The one I know is reserved just for me. I try hard to imprint this moment in my mind for times when today is just a memory.

Punching Bag

So, of course when I say out loud that I am living a new perspective, that I am living a life of thankfulness and when I say that I refuse to let complaints or discontent enter into my thoughts I get sucker punched. In fact, I have felt like the enemy is using my as a punching bag. I have struggled with my reaction, was it in faith, was it Godly. And as I started to punch myself a dear friend reminded me that Jesus had emotions, God gave us emotions. I just can't allow myself to be ruled by those emotions or let myself stay there too long. What freedom!!!
Today, as I absorbed yet another blow, as angry, frustrated tears ran down my face I knew my Creator was absorbing the blow too. He was feeling my hurt. As, I was rambling on to God about all this I felt Him gently tug me and saying lay back against me and breathe. I hold your every moment. Let me calm this raging sea. I will walk with you and carry you when you can't go on. As, I felt His gentle whisper I felt the light start to burn as I started to repeat. I trust in you. The burden feels lighter. I will trust in you. The tears stop. Nothing is impossible for you. A smile touches my eyes. So, if I need to continue to be a punching bag I will because I will trust and obey and know He is in control of the outcome.