Some ramblings

I love Christmas. I always have. When I was growing up it was always a fun time. We would go to my grandparents house on Christmas Eve. The house would be packed with 6 kids, 10 grandkids and 10 great grandkids. There was always great food and my Uncle Jesse would play his guitar and we would sing Christmas carols. There was always gift time where I would always get a doll, lip gloss and knee-hi socks. Then all the grandchildren and great grandchildren would line up in front of my grandpa and he would give us all brand new dollar bills. Then around 9:30 we would turn on the tv and see where Santa was a everyone would load up to hurry to bed. Those were great times. As I got older I loved Christmas because it was a time that my mom and dad did things together. Those times seemed to get few and further between as I got older. My grandparents died within a year of each other when I was in high school and my parents seperated the day after Christmas my sophmore year of high school. As much as I love this time of year and as I have gotten older I have truly understood the true meaning of Christmas there are always days or moments that the sadness takes over. Today was one of those days. I know lots of people have gone through divorces but the story didn't end there. You see the divorce of my parents was caused by an alcoholic father. Through the years we have gone through peaks and valleys. Peaks when my dad seems to understand the severity of his disease and he gets help and stops drinking. Then valleys when the drink is more important than anything and he pushes all that love him away. That is where we are today. We have been in a valley for almost three years. Three years ago my dad left on Christmas Eve with a hug and an I love you and that was the last time I saw him that way. The alcohol has totally consumed his mind and his life and because of one event he has chosen to dismiss me and my kids from his life. It hurts. It hurts bad. I know that I am doing the right thing. I know God was honored in the situation, but He's my daddy. There are days when I just want to hear his voice. I just want to hear him say I love you squirt. I think the hardest thing for me is that he is choosing to not have a relationship with me. That I could talk to him if he would pick up the phone. Nevertheless, God has seen me through and I have learned and grown from this. What I have learned in the last 3 years is that my dad is human. That all humans have the ability to disappoint us but I have one who will always be faithful. I have Abba to wrap his arms around me and tell me He loves me. I have Abba to guide me, to protect me, to listen to my hurts and my joys. So on the days, like today, that the hurt is overwhelming I just call on my heavenly Daddy and the hurt starts to ease. The sun starts to shine a little brighter and I get a spring in my step. I go back to playing uno, washing clothes or chasing the cats out of the house and there is a smile on my face and peace in my heart. My Abba is in control and for that I am very thankful.