My daddy was a goofball. He was always acting up, cutting jokes(more likely than not they were highly inappropriate) and playing practical jokes. As I got older I used to pick on him and tell my friends, not to mind Daddy he wasn't house-trained yet but we were working on it.


Each winter the snow makes me think of this little black dog we had one year. Daddy had beagles and he hunted rabbits, so, he never wanted to have other dogs influencing his rabbit dogs. But one winter my sister's friend, Dawn, brought me a black puppy. It was the sweetest little dog. Daddy immeditately named the dog what I thought was DeeDee. I asked him later why, he said D.D. was for Damn Dawn. Needless to say I was thinking the same thing a few weeks later when the dog got parvo and died in my arms.

Remembering

After the last friend had left, the chairs put up, the food split up and the doors locked. As I got in the car I looked back at my daddy's house. I could see him on the side porch, with a cigarette in his mouth, leaning on the railing, waving good-bye. Warning us to be careful and for Troy to take care of his baby. Always the same words. Then an I love you and he would blow me a kiss.

Taking Advice

Yesterday as we had a celebration of my dad's life at his house there were times when I was wanting to scream STOP, everybody freeze, let me get my paper and if you will share one at a time and give me time to write every word that would be great. I wanted to write what I was hearing, write what I was remembering, write what I was feeling. When we got in the car to leave Troy said I think you should get back on your blog and write. Last night I sent an email to a friend, who got me started blogging, to fix my blog up(which looks great Pam) because I knew as soon as she felt better she was going to throw the journal word at me. Then I got an email this morning from another special friend encouraging me to write, write, write. So, here I am. I am going to write it all down. It will be personal and maybe ugly at times but I pray for healing. I am doing this selfishly for me. So why blog where anyone can see it because it seems to come out better this way than when I hand write something. This is my Journey of Grief...

Processing

He's gone. He is really gone. My daddy. The one who could make my day better with just a look. The one who always knew when I needed to hear encouragement. The one who could make me madder than anyone else. The one who hurt me more than anyone else. The who loved me like no one else....

Lots of changes

The last few months have been a roller coaster. My emotions have been up and down.
change 1:
My dad(who I haven't seen or spoken to in over 3 years) is in stage 4 cirrhosis and has progressive alcohol dementia. He is no longer able to care for himself and we have been trying to find placement for him. It is hard because his disposition is not exactly the best(to put it mildly). There have been lots of phone calls, emails and trips to the hospital trying to take care of him. I don't mind. It has been great to just touch him and hear his voice.

Change 2:

In the midst of this my mom is moving in. I know most people cringe but I am looking forward to it. I am praying it will be a time for my mom and I to restore some old hurts and build a better relationship. I am looking forward to a live in babysitter(just kidding mom, well a little). You always think about possibly taking care of your parents but I didn't think it would be both at the same time. We have been moving rooms, rearranging things and painting getting ready for the move.

Change 3:

The air on my Astro died and we had to buy a new(to us) van. Not exactly what we were wanting to do but I love my Honda Odyssey.

Change 4:

Probably the most difficult. After 12 years at the same church we have joined another. It was a leading by God and logistics.(we live a long way from our old church) It was time to be a part of the community we live in. I like our new church but it is so different. I miss my old friends and I do not like being the new girl.

Do I think any of these things are coincidence? NO, God is faithful and teaching me a lot. I am having to lean on Him like never before in my life. When I think I cannot take one more minute He gently reminds me that He is my help and my source of strength. I am not particularly enjoying this season of growth but I am loving this deeper relationship with the Lord.

Don't know when I'll be back but for those who are still tuning in this is where I am. I covet your prayers.
Tara

Pam, you win.

Okay, so how can I not respond to being hijacked. Pam is a dear dear friend and I just had to laugh yesterday when I received her email that at the end had a "oh fyi I hijacked your blog." So, I moseyed on over here and I love what she wrote. It was very encouraging and I do love that Kari Jobe song. I am in a very difficult situation. I don't know if I am ready or able to put down my thoughts into words. But for those of you who are praying I will tell you this much. My dad has been placed in a nursing home. He has hepatic encepalpathy, which is basically alcohol induced dementia. He has no hope of returning home. I am his power of attorney. My sibling and I aren't seeing eye to eye on how to handle things. Of all the scenarios I had prepared myself for with his alcoholism this is one that never crossed my mind. I am physically, emotionally and mentally spent but spiritually I am full. I am leaning on my all in all and He is being faithful and filling me up. I can see how He has been preparing me for this and I am trusting Him to "work all things for good...according to his good pleasing and perfect will." Please continue praying for me as I get things settled. I am not promising that I am "back" but we will see. Today I am just resting. Spending time in my pj's watching cartoons with my kids. Resting that God is in control and I am grateful. Thanks Pam. I needed a (not so gentle) push. Love you.

YOU HAVE BEEN HIJACKED!!!!!!!

My name is Pam. I am one of many of Tara's friends. Also lovingly known as "Ta-Ta" by my 3 year old. Tara has been "away" from her blog for some time as you can see from her last post a while back.
I chose to "Hijack" her blog today to tell her how much I care about her and how much I pray for her. How much she means to me. How precious she is not only to me but to all of those around her.
We joke frequently about the fact that she can "call me out" on something that no one else is brave enough to and I can do like wise with her. We can go for a run and I can challenge and push her and then be "lovingly" called "Jillian".
She is dealing with a lot of change and a lot of things that someone in their 30's don't really think about having to deal with. She has been such a strong woman of faith. She is encouragement and compassion and love and grace and understanding. She is such an awesome friend.
She doesn't know that I am doing this and she may kill me when she finds it. If you have stopped by today and found my post, I would ask that you would pray for her. Leave a comment in the comment section. She would love to hear from you. I am not at liberty to share details and pray that she would be able to use this blog to share her heart, her frustration, her joys and her excitement on here. I'm including at the bottom of this post one of I believe her favorite songs by Kari Jobe. We have posted it a couple of times on our Women's Ministry Blog and we have talked about it on numerous occassions. Tara, it is my prayer for you!!!!! Rest, Renew and Regain your strength in Him. He is what we need!!!!!! I love you dear sister!!!!!!!
2 favorite scriptures to challenge and encourage you with.
Psalm 121 and 1 Sam 12:23.

Love you,
Pam